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Extramarital Affairs

This article will discuss extramarital affairs, the signs that someone is having an afffair, why people have them, how to cope with finding out your loved one has had an affair and the dating agencies that help you have an affair and professionals that help you cope after an affair:

Extramarital Affairs

Extramarital affairs are commonly an act of sexual infidelity by a husband or wife. Some extramarital affairs can be purely emotional rather than physical but can still lead to the feelings and problems described further below. Long term partners, boyfriends and girlfriends can also suffer from extramarital affairs though they are not married they still have had a commitment to each other and may have the same feelings of betrayal. For the purposes of this extramarital affairs article we will discuss the information as applied to wives and husbands for ease of reading.

Why Do People Have Affairs

Approximately 40% of married women and 60% of married men will have an extramarital affair. It is one of the most common reasons for separation and divorce. There are many reasons why people have affairs and this list is not exhaustive:

  • The relationship or marriage is having problems and a partner sees an extramarital affair as a way of getting away from the problem.

  • One partner has a higher sex drive than the other and seeks physical release elsewhere.

  • There may be feelings of being in a rut or perhaps boredom is setting in so some can feel that having an extramarital affair will be the answer to the problem and add excitement to their life

  • A man or woman can have an extra marital affair or one night stand to prove that they are still attractive to the opposite sex.

  • A man or woman may want to feel more than being a wife, husband, mother, father, housewife or househusband and be seen as someone other than a cook, cleaner, wage provider, etc.

  • Some have extramarital affairs because their partner has or they suspect their partner has had an affair. An extra marital affair may mean nothing more than a simple act of revenge.

  • Extra marital affairs may be seen by some as an uncomplicated way to have more sex.

  • Some partners like the excitement and risk associated with having extra marital affairs.

  • Having an extra marital affair could be a cry for help, and way to get the attention of a partner in the hope that they will then pay him or her more attention in the future.

  • Alcohol and illegal drugs are disinhibitors and reduce the morals of people who take them which could lead to them having an extra marital affair or one night stand when they would normally judge that it would be wrong or can normally resist the temptation.

  • One partner may not be able to have sex perhaps through illness or disability and the other looks elsewhere for sexual fulfilment.

  • Having an extra marital affair could be perceived as an ego trip and they love the attention from the other person.

There are many, many more reasons why men and women have illicit affairs and couples should, though painful, analyse their own reasons for the extra marital affairs act or acts of infidelity.

Consequences Of Having An Extramarital Affair

It may not seem like it when you are having your sexual fun, but there are some serious consequences of having an extramarital affair. It is not just about sex but about the break down of trust and love. A partner who has an illicit affair may be seen by the other partner as not loving them enough to remain faithful, especially for married people who made a commitment, perhaps in church and in front of family and friends, to love the other person for life, to remain faithful and forsake all others.

This act of betrayal will cause the other person to feel a range of emotions like anger, guilt, resentment, low self esteem, sadness and even clinical depression.

Then there are practical matters of having extra marital affairs like safe sex and sexually transmitted diseases, a pregnancy with the mistress or by the other man, who does the adulterer love the most and want to stay with? Will there be a divorce, are there children, what will they think of you, who gets custody of them, who stays in the marital home and pays for the mortgage?

Above all will the couple split up?

Even if you "get away" with having an illicit affair it can fester in your soul for years as you realise your mistake and how you have broken the trust of your loved one. Your relationship may never be the same again after extra marital affairs and you may weigh up the pros and cons of coming clean to your spouse.

How To Tell If Someone Is Having An Affair

There are many ways to tell if someone is having an affair. This tell tale list is not exhaustive and also not an indication that a spouse is definitely having an extra marital affair. For example just because they have smartened up their appearance it does not mean they are having extra marital affairs - they may feel they have let themselves go and want to look smart for you. Extra business trips could be just that, and a desire to work hard for you. If you think your husband or wife is having an affair don't let your imagination run wild - talk to someone - preferably your spouse.

Don't harm your relationship by jumping to conclusions - it could just be a mid-life crisis. On the other hand he or she may own up to having an affair and you may need to prepare yourself for the emotional, financial and family consequences this will bring.

Common Signs That A Husband Or Wife Is Having An Extramarital Affair

  • He or she may suddenly be dressing smarter, improves their wardrobe, has bought new, perhaps sexy, underwear

  • Personal grooming like shaving more frequently or applying make up or perfume more often

  • Time away from the marital home may increase

  • Out of hours work activities may increase

  • The person having the extra marital affair may be wearing new jewellery or have other items that could be a gift from a new sexual partner

  • Contraceptives like condoms or the oral pill could be found and not used in your relationship

  • He or she starts watching their diet or exercises more to look fitter or improve their physique

  • As a couple you start to have more or less sex. Some people who have an affair have an increased sex drive, or give their spouse more sex out of guilt, others want less sex because they are too tired or their sexual needs are met elsewhere

  • A wedding ring is no longer worn

  • Takes more pride and time over their personnel appearance

  • He or she buys or you find a new and separate mobile telephone

  • Works longer on the computer, has a new e-mail address or messenger details or changes or sets up a password

  • You receive phone calls and the person making the phone call hangs up without speaking

  • Seems preoccupied when at home: perhaps thinking of extra marital affairs

  • Your friends may act oddly because they suspect you or your spouse is having an affair or have heard some gossip and do not know how to tell you

  • Credit card bills for restaurants, florists and hotel rooms

  • Has a new knowledge of sex or new sexual positions or techniques

  • Starts to buy you gifts like flowers or chocolates out of guilt

  • Items belonging to the children, such as toys or car seats, are removed from the car

  • He or she knows someone or talks about somewhere you know you have never been together but he or she seems to think you have - he or she may have been there with someone else

  • Calls you by another name

  • Starts doing the laundry so that you do not smell the other person's aroma or perfume or aftershave on the clothes

  • Takes less interest around the home or in the family

  • Has new enthusiasm or a glow: perhaps from the extra marital affairs

  • Unexplained scratches or bite mark, especially on the back or neck

  • He or she may be tired all the time because lying and leading a double life is exhausting

  • Makes excuses to leave the marital home

  • Starts arguments so that he or she has an excuse to leave the home for a few hours or even overnight

  • Puts weight on - he or she is eating with their mistress or new partner and having to eat at home to carry on the pretence of normal life

  • Taking longer to come home from work, normal social activities or from shopping

  • Visits their friends more often and may not be there if you call

  • Works overtime but does not get paid for the extra hours

  • Starts to spend more money

  • Takes more cash out of the bank machine rather than pays by traceable switch or credit card when out with the other person

  • Taste in music, radio station or television programmes change suddenly

What To Do If Someone Has An Affair

We are all only human and most people who find out that their spouse has had an affair will be angry. This is quite normal and pent up anger could be harmful. Best to get the angry emotion about the extra marital affairs out in healthy ways like shouting and crying, then you will feel more equipped to deal rationally with practical and emotion issues of coping with an affair by a cheating spouse.

The most important piece of advise for couples coping with an affair is to talk. Talk to each other, to friends and family and to professionals like your doctor, practice nurse or counsellor. No matter how painful this is, and it will be painful. Consider seeking professional counselling from a qualified counsellor or an organisation like Relate. Your GP or nurse can help you find a suitable and local counsellor or organisation that will help you work through issues about the extramarital affair, provide emotional and practical support. Even if you do not want to salvage your relationship after the extra marital affair and consider that it has broken down irretrievably because of the broken trust, a professional can help you move on and grow, rather than living with negative emotional feelings. That said though there are many couples who work through their feelings about the extramarital affair and go on to have a long term relationship and some people say their relationship has grown because of the act of infidelity.

Should I Have An Affair

Only you can answer the question of should I have an affair. Our advise is the same as above - talk and talk some more. Talking keeps a relationship going. Even shouting about extra marital affairs is a form of communication. Tell your spouse how you feel, why you feel tempted to have an affair and how they can help you resolve this problem. For example if you need more sex then do not be afraid to tell your partner this. Couples may have different sex drives but some couples may have other things going on in their lives. A mother or father may be tired running the house, working, looking after children, etc and be too tired for sex at bedtime. Solutions can be to have sex during the day if not working and the children are at school, or to arrange for a night away together or for someone to look after the children in their home. Or even have a fun affair together - get a baby sitter and then book a room in a hotel for a few hours and go together!

The woman tempted to have an illicit affair because her husband does not please her sexually may wish to discuss trying sex toys. These can easily find the g spot in the vagina and some stimulate the clitoris easily and can quickly arouse most woman and make them orgasm.

These are just two examples but are written to demonstrate that there are alternatives to extramarital affairs if only couples would talk. It is always best to avoid positions that may lead to an illicit affair or one night stand. For example if you are away from home because of work you might want to arrange to call your loved one to stop feelings of loneliness or avoid drinking alcohol or going back to someone's room just for a coffee.

Keep talking to each other and many issues can be resolved if you are open and honest with each other. It will be painful and emotional but if you had committed yourself to this person you must have loved them at one time and they may still love you and value your relationship.

Sadly not everyone can do this or there may be serious problems in a relationship and an extramarital affair just masks deep problems. This article is written to provide you with thoughts to seek your own solutions and do suggest seeking the help from a qualified relationship counsellor.

Other people may wish to turn a blind eye to the extramarital affairs, perhaps this is what their mother did and they see this as normal behaviour. Or they still want the security of a marriage. We consider it not to be and this must emotionally drain the person seeing their loved one go to another person for sex and perhaps love.

Agency Or Website That Helps People Have An Extramarital Affair

There are agencies, often run under the pretence of being an adult dating agency, and websites that will help you find a partner just for meeting for a drink or a meal and consensual sex. These should not pay the woman because this would make her a prostitute and prostitution is illegal and the agency could be seen as pimps and working as a pimp is also illegal. Some get round this by asking the person, usually the male, to pay a fee to the agency as an introduction fee or membership fee or administration costs and getting the man to pay for the meal, drinks etc, perhaps a gift for the lady and a hostess fee.

Women usually get to join the adult agency for free because it is mostly men looking for the one night stands and the agency or site needs to find female introductions or be able to say they have a certain amount of women on their books to entice men to join. They often have biographies, profiles and photos for their clients to browse. These may include a list of sexual preferences such as straight or gay sex, bondage, role play, costume wearing etc. These acts can be another reason why some partners stray - they may not think their partner will enjoy spanking but have never asked - again we can't emphasise enough the need to talk with your spouse. They may surprise you and be turned on by the same things that secretly turn you on and agree to sexual requests or find a compromise to keep you happy and the relationship going without having to have sex with a stranger. Besides can you really trust a complete stranger? These agencies or websites may argue that they vet the person carefully - but can they or do they? People can hide some dark secrets or have ulterior motives like stealing from or blackmailing the adulterer. Sex with strangers is always a risky business.

We do not advocate the use of such extramarital affairs agencies but have included info about them in this article for information purposes. For this reason we have not listed the name or url of websites who find people for you to have an extramarital affair with.

In conclusion extramarital affairs hurt and are an indication of an unhealthy relationship. If you value your relationship and still love your spouse then talk openly no matter how painful. Working through any issues can bring solutions and make you closer.

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